Just My Confessions

tonight my mom said there is no way you are anorexic. 

She doesn’t know I only ate one meal today. 

I can easily see myself becoming a hermit. 

If anyone I knew found this blog, I would be so fucked…

They always let me down. 

So I have this group project, it’s due tomorrow. 75% of the group seems to have it together, but all the same, the work (IMO) isn’t where I would like it to be. 

So earlier in the evening I had been waiting on getting parts of the presentation from the rest of my group. Frustrated I went downstair to vent to my mom. She heard it, and didn’t acknowledge it, I should have known to leave then, but for some idiotic reason I stayed. Then she started questioning me about the project, “Have you done this, have you done that?” sort of deal. Then when I said no, she started going on and on about how I wasn’t doing enough, how I didn’t put in the work or effort I needed to. Granted, she was probably right, and it work me up a bit. But then she started doing research for me, and telling me what to do. That’s when I had it. NO MOM I DON’T WANT YOU DOING MY WORK FOR ME. 

So eventually I left after knowing my mom would give up. I spent the next 10 or 20 minutes crying on my bed. And not just tears, but big sobs. Then somewhere in my brain, it clicked, my mom doesn’t believe in me. Then I started wailing. Not long after that my mom decided to come into my room, and rag on me for not doing my work, that I was wasting time crying. I tried to explain that it was literally impossible for me to get any work done, but she didn’t believe me. I also tried telling her that the sooner she left me alone, she sooner I would get back to work. But she kept talking…

Eventually she left and I cried some more, harder than ever. Eventually I got back to work. 

Later she came back into my room, once again wanting to do my research for me. I said no, several times, then she left in a huff saying some things that were very hurtful. I almost lost it again, but continued to work… So here I am, writing this out, unsure of what to do next. All I can say is that I can’t wait for therapy, and it hurts so astonishingly much to know that my mom doesn’t believe in me. 

ps: and the pro ana tag, and I’m suspecting the pro mia tag….

whatfreshhellisthis:

Do us all a favour and shut the fuck up before you even try to finish that godawful sentence.

(via victoriac7)

I have this huge urge right now to go downstairs, grab a knife and slit my wrists open just so I can go to the hospital and be put on meds. 

mmm debilitating　 depression is back. All I want to do is sleep. I could care less about doing anything else. I just want to sleep. 

Sometimes it really bothers me how my mom acts. Like she says that she’s so open minded but then she makes comments like “Doesn’t he just look gay?” or “He only sings African American.” I mean seriously? If you really didn’t give a shit then you wouldn’t talk about it for an entire hour. UGH!!! MOM YOU ARE NOT BEING OPEN MINDED! Who the hell knows if he’s gay, or if he’s straight, or if he’s asexual. Does it really matter?! STOP TALKING ABOUT IT SO FUCKING MUCH! GET OVER IT AND YOURSELF!

Breakfast: 

• 1 Cup of coffee (with nonfat milk and sugar) = 32 cal
• 1 biscotti (dried cherry, chocolate, and pecan) = 107 cal

Lunch: 

• 1 Cup coffee (with nonfat milk and sugar) = 32 cal

Exercise: 

• Walk to school (30 min at about 4.5 mph) = -143 cal
• Walk home (25 min about 4.5 mph) = -119 cal
• Walk home (25 min about 4.0 mph) = -94 cal

Total so far: -130 cal

Plus I’m going to walk home from school again!!! =D Then I have work which is nothing bust exercising.